25 thoughts on “Comment Wall”

  1. Wow! What an adorable story. First off, I love that we’re taken back to Pegasus’ past. I think it’s very sweet! I imagine a baby Pegasus and he’s just so cute. Your intro is awesome, but there were very minor things that I noticed:

    “Now you my friends are something special. There should be a comma after “now.” Also, I don’t know if you meant for the language to sound this way but “I know horses may not be supposed to feel this strong…” was a tad difficult to read.

    Other than that I’m already in love with your storybook and can’t wait to read more. I wonder if Pegasus is going to find a companion or not. I’m also curious as to what kind of companion. I think it would be really cool instead of finding a “lover” he found a life partner, like a best friend. Is this how he meets Perseus? But finding a lover and starting a family would be awesome too!

    Also, our stories are sort of related to each other and could be spin-offs!

  2. Hey Chelle! I really enjoyed your introduction! I wasn’t sure what was going to happen when I first started reading the story. It was a very cute story! I can tell through your writing you have a love of horses. When I got to your blog and saw all the pictures of horses, the puzzle fit together! I could tell you were writing about something you were passionate about in your introduction! I am excited to see where the story will go! Will we follow Pegasus on his journey for love? Or will we get the perspectives of Pegasus’s parents? Or will we stay at the farm and get the perspective of Mr. and Mrs. Doubfire? This is an adorable story and I’m excited to read more of it!
    I am curious if Pegasus will find another like him or if he will just find others where he will feel like he belongs.

  3. Your home screen does a good job of drawing the reader in and giving a basic idea of what the story will be about. Your introduction also does a good job of this. It hints at things to come without actually spoiling any of it.

    There are some things that are a little confusing, however. You say Pegasus has more wit and agility than any of the other horses. Could you give some examples of that? You also end with Pegasus speaking to his parents. Can other animals speak or just Pegasus? Have they been having their own conversations in the background the entire time?

    Switching perspectives from Mr. Doubtfire to Pegasus like that at the end is somewhat confusing. What if you had Pegasus responding to or commenting on some of the things Mr. Doubtfire says throughout the introduction? It could showcase his intelligence and make the transition smoother.

    Also, the first Doubtfire in the first sentence is misspelled.

  4. Great story! it get a little confusing to read when you get to the point after Pegasus’s first good flight but I like where you are going with it. I would take the part out ” He wanted to feel what the cows, dogs, cats, roosters, and all of the other barn animals felt when they found their one” or I would take out “I know horses may not be supposed to feel this strong of a connection to another, but I want to”, I feel like they are conflicting. Other than that I feel like it is really well written and I am excited to see where you go with it. Also, I love the intro picture you have! It really helps with placing the setting of where this story takes place.

  5. Hi Chelle,
    I liked your homepage and the picture you chose. It draws the reader in.
    Is it Doubtfire or Doubfire? You have it spelled differently in the first sentence than throughout the entire story. While reading this story, I truly grew to like Pegasus and his wings and how he was different. I think this is a common theme in many childhood stories that resonates with a large audience. The last paragraph before the break in the story is so heartfelt. I love the essence of family that you are portraying.
    I love the idea that Pegasus is trying to find love and feels that he is missing out on something that everyone else has. I like the way you ended your introduction with explaining how Pegasus was about to embark on a journey.
    I think you did a nice job with your introduction. I might suggest proofreading for a few typos, but other than that it’s a great read. I wish you the best of luck in creating the rest of your storybook!

  6. When I started reading your story, I thought I was going to be about Mr. Douptfire going on vast adventures with his Pegasus. I am somewhat glad I am wrong, I think your story will be far more enchanting. There were some things I was confused about though. Horses seem normal, but I appears that even though Pegasus is strange no one seems to react to that. Also he can talk to humans, but no one freaks out? Unless strange things happen all the time, this seems out of place. In your introduction, the reasoning behind Mr. Douptfire giving Pegasus the name is really confusing, not sure if you are missing words or if it is just the phrasing. I do love the irony behind the Troya being the guardian of Troy, stuck me as particularly delightful. I think it would be interesting to give Troya more reasons to why she should not be with Pegasus, aside from there being other houses, just to give the story more depth. Great job so far, I can’t wait to see what you do with your story.

  7. Hi Chelle! I’m so interested in your story. It’s such a unique and creative way of reimagining Pegasus. You start your introduction really well. I like how you introduce the characters. If you wanted, you could definitely add more details about the Doubtfires and their ranch, which would be really interesting. I enjoy the idea of a Pegasus being born to a regular horse and it being an oddity. I love how you created such a sweet relationship between Mr. Doubtfire and Pegasus. Even though they can’t communicate with each other, they still love each other. I also love how you give Pegasus thoughts and emotions. It really helps the reader connect and sympathize with him. I am curious though, can Pegasus speak to humans. Obviously, he can understand the Doubtfires, but can they understand him? You could make that more clear in your introduction. What do his parents think of this? Do they respond at all? You should definitely address that. Still, I love the way you end the introduction, as it leads well into the first story.
    Your first story is really good! In the beginning, I think it would be good to mention that he left, and if he did it in secret or told the Doubtfires (so he can talk to them?) Then with Clyde, is he human? A horse? Is he at all surprised to see a flying horse? Even if he is, he obviously doesn’t hesitate to talk to Pegasus. I think it would be good to explain these things. Also, is Troya a magical horse? I think this would be good to clear up a little. You don’t have to give the whole story, but people who know about the Trojan horse could be confused. It would be good to mention how Pegasus first feels about Troya before mentioning that they were “joined at the hip.” Is it a friendship or more? I think it would be good to show Pegasus’ thought process through all of this. I like the introduction of Eros and I’m really curious to see what you do with that. All in all, it is a really good first story. There are definitely ways you can expand or bring clarity to your story. I hope these are helpful. I really did enjoy your story. It’s really unique and I really want to know what happens next, so great job.

  8. Hey Chelle! Your storybook is so cute! I love horses and used to ride so I after seeing your picture banner I think I know where your inspiration came from! I love that you gave Pegasus a backstory, and told the owners’ point of view as well as then using Pegasus’ point of view! I really enjoy when people give animals a personality and voice so I am excited to read more about his love journey from him! If you needed more info I would be curious to see how he utilizes his wings and all that he does and maybe how he fails the first few times (like a puppy getting used to its tail and knocking everything over and flapping it around!) Maybe he could do this in front of his lover prospects and embarrass himself! Overall I am very excited to read the rest of your stories and find out if poor Pegasus finds love after all!

  9. The title of your storybook next to the title of your first story are what drew me here in the first place. I love Greek myths and the Pegasus myths. The intro and story weren’t what I expected, but I like them a lot!
    I thought your ideas for the Trojan horse were interesting and unexpected. The image of Pegasus and Troya walking around together is very cute. I’m intrigued by the mention of Eros, especially the idea of Eros being female. Things like that make me want to read more because they really pique my interest. I’d like to read more of your ideas and more things that Pegasus encounters on his journey.

    If you’re planning on revising, I would suggest spending a little more time on Pegasus and how he works in the context of the world—it sounds like it’s a normal, Earth-like setting, but with magic. Is it based on Greek magic, or something else? How does that figure in to Pegasus as a horse/magic creature? In addition to that, you could set the stage more at the beginning of each scene to describe the settings. It would only take a sentence or two, but would be effective.

    Nice story! I can’t wait to read more as you update.

  10. I enjoyed your story for this week! I really like Pegasus in Greek mythology, so it was fun to see him portrayed in your storybook. In the middle of you story you have the sentence “They pranced through town shoulders together right pat Clyde.” And you misspelled past. In the next paragraph after that you have a period in between Greek and Army which shouldn’t be there. After that paragraph, you have the statement “I watched Mr. and Mrs. Doubtfire fall deeper and deeper for each other,” and I think you should say fall deeper and deeper in love with each other. I think that makes everything a bit clearer. Overall, I like the story that you wrote. I think that structurally it might be nicer to read if you had larger paragraphs instead of individual sentences. For me at least it makes reading a story a little bit easier.

  11. Hi Chelle! I’m from the Indian Epics course. I grew up loving to learn about greek mythology, and with my history of watching Hercules a thousand times, I was so excited to read about Pegasus! I love your site, the design, and that your story begins in TEXAS! Your introduction is captivating and incredibly easy to visualize. Your use of dialogue is perfect! My only “critique” would be to italicize his thoughts in order to differentiate what is said out loud and what the audience should only hear because it is in a character’s mind.
    I really enjoyed your first story of Pegasus meeting Troya; however, when he mentions that Pegasus should run off to meet Kanthaka, I was surprised that Pegasus wasn’t a little hurt – I thought, perhaps, he was starting to love Troya? In my opinion, I think it would be a really nice touch to your story to have Pegasus endure a little heartache from time to time in his search for true love, since that’s basically how it goes in real life. Overall, I love your story!!!

  12. Hey again Chelle!
    I came back to your storybook as I really am in love with your idea and want to know how it all turns out! This first story was a good introduction story as there was not much falling in love happening yet! I can not wait for poor Pegasus to find love! I was very sad when I saw that Troya had to go back to protecting the town as I was hoping she would fall in love and ride off into the sunset with him! No pun intended! I am curious if you are going to make him fall in love with another horse or if there is going to be a twist where his version of love is not the love he gets, like maybe he feels the bond and love of a young girl who has always wanted a horse! I know you know how strong a horse and its riders bond is so that would be an unsuspecting form of love that could incorporate some more mythological stories! Good Luck!

  13. I love this story! I also like that you combined two different worlds. It almost shows how even though different cultures and parts of the world have different tales and myths, they are all parallel in some shape or form. They all just want answers to life’s biggest questions and these stories bring the answers to life. One suggestion I would make since they are from two different worlds is maybe have Pegasus travel to a different world or dimension. Think Thor and how he finds his lover on earth. I think it would be cool to combine both worlds eventually. It could also lead to some drama. The characters could at first not trust Pegasus or vise versa. I love the idea of finding love for Pegasus because hearing that he died of a broken heart is just the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Your version is definitely sweeter. Great job, keep it up!

  14. Great Stories! I love how you’ve tied them all together! You do a great job of jumping from culture to culture.

    On error on your second story caught my eye:
    Kanthaka is the most skilled and treasured horse in the entire world. He’s more than a horse, he’s a legend,”

    Do you mean She? I mean I think love has no bounds but you say the horse is a girl later on so I just wanted you to stay consistent. 🙂

    I like the culture that is added into this.

    The paragraph that starts with :“Pegasus, I must inform you of this culture first…” gets very confusing. I think you should use more names rather than he/she. It’s more towards the end that it get’s confusing. I think it’s confusing because I think you are calling the horse a male when you mean female?

    Great Stories and I can’t wait to see how this story transpires!

    Sidenote: You might want to say that Pegasuses can travel through time because these stories sound like they are coming form different eras.

  15. I think it is super cute that you decided to make your storybook a quest for love for Pegasus! I found it interesting that you chose to set the storybook in Texas on a ranch. I hadn’t ever thought about bringing Pegasus into our modern-day world. I would have liked more physical description of Pegasus, besides the fact the he has wings. I loved all the detail about his personality. It made me grow to love him by the end of your introduction and root for him on his search for true love. I read your first story about Troya and it was great! I think it would be a good idea to give insight to the emotions the Doubtfires felt when Pegasus left and also the emotions of his birth parents. I hope he will return home once he finds his true love! I think it is awesome that your are tying in famous horses from all different cultures. That is a really awesome element to your storybook.

  16. Hi Chelle! I’m from the Indian Epics course. I read your storybook last week, I think? And I loved it, so I’m back! I was happy to see that you have an addition to your book with “Where’s Kanthaka?“ and I enjoyed reading it very much. As I mentioned, I’m from the Indian Epics course, and I really enjoyed this merge of the Greek mythology material and characters that you’ve learned about in your course with something that the students in Indian Epics would read about as well! The story between Channa and Pegasus is very intriguing… I’d love to know more about that. I really like the way that you ended this story. You write very well and obviously have a talent for reeling readers in like you did with me! I can’t wait to come back and read what happens next when Pegasus introduces himself and gets to know her more!

  17. Hi, Chelle! Wow, I really loved reading your story and I was instantly drawn in by your introduction! I’ve always loved horses so much growing up (I played with them instead of dolls, actually!) so this is so much fun for me to read. I loved your vivid descriptions and the images you chose really complemented your theme! It really made me so sad when Pegasus was treated poorly by others, especially that rude Clyde man, who did not see him as normal… it almost made me think of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I honestly thought that he was going to fall in love with Troya at first when he met her so I was so excited for him, but now I am excited for him and Kanthaka! He sure deserves someone to love and travel the world with so I hope it all works out for him. Best of luck with the rest of your story!

  18. I love the premise! It’s so cute to read about this horse flying around and discovering love. Mr. and Mrs. Doubtfire sound adorable! There are a few things I noticed in your story though. You seem to have some pronoun mix-ups for Where’s Kanthaka? because the beginning part of the story has he when referring to Kanthaka and the end even refers to Pegasus as she in one part (unless I am completely misunderstanding which pronouns are referring to which characters). Also Clyde really confuses me. How was he able to follow Pegasus all the way to where Kanthaka was? Why is he so belligerent? How did he just accept that Pegasus could talk to him and why was his first instinct to talk to a horse? These are just small concerns though and I’m excited to see what happens with Kanthaka! Great job with the stories and layout of the website too!

  19. I hate being a negative Nelly, but I just read your third story, where’s Kanthaka. I am not sure what you were trying to do with it. It felt disjointed and chaotic. First- What is with Clyde? Is he important, how did he show up, what is his role? Also if Pegasus is seeking love, why would he go looking for Kanthaka? If you are going for a non-gender specific relationship please explain that more. If not, shouldn’t Kanthaka be female instead of male? I love that you are trying to keep the original story of Buddha, but why not incorporate that into the tale, have the horse explain instead of another character. I have read your other stories for this storybook and comparatively this one seems out of place. What is the purpose of this story? What does Pegasus learn or gain from this adventure? I do like your premise, and can’t wait to see what you do with it, but at the moment it seems underdeveloped. Good luck.

  20. Hi Chelle! First, I would like to say that I am really glad you decided to incorporate the thoughts of Pegasus. I think this adds a needed component if Pegasus is the main character. Also, I totally could not shake the image of Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire while reading the story. Going in the first story, I was pleasantly surprised to see you incorporating other famous horses into your storybook! I think this is a clever way to connect the different stories and myths that feature a horse. I honestly would have never thought to do this.

    Starting the second story, I was a bit confused by the initial encounter with Clyde. I forgot about Clyde, and it was also so short of an encounter that it felt unnecessary. This story also felt like a brief intermission, as nothing much seemed to happen.

    In the third story, I felt like the broken heart was mended too quickly. I think you should use this to really explore who Pegasus and Kanthaka are as characters. Dive deep into their thoughts and emotions. Maybe give them a trying situation that once they overcome it, Kanthaka begins to feel happy.

    Overall, I think you just need to develop your characters more. Pegasus is searching for love. That shouldn’t be a quick event. You need to explore his mind. Overall though, I love your premise! Again, so unique.

  21. Hey Chelle – I’m from the Indian Epics course. I keep coming back for more of your stories because I think I may be obsessed! This week, I read your story “Breakthrough to the Unicorn” and I was grinning the entire time! I love your utilization of dialogue and imagery details, because personally, I like to be able to visualize a story when I read it as if a movie is playing in my head. In this part of your story: “He reached out, placing his hoof upon her hoof. He pulled her up out of the bed, and silence filled the room. It was as if sparks had been flying through their immediate connection, and neither of them knew what to say next.” I found myself giggling with wide eyes on the edge of my seat – how neat it is, that you’re able to build such chemistry between horses! Bravo! Can’t wait to see what’s next!

  22. Hey Chelle!
    I came back to your story after reading the first one and was really excited to read it all! I was bummed to see that they really were like chapters in a book and not individually standing stories. Because of this I was unable to read the last one without reading the second one, not that it was a huge deal I just had to go back and figure some stuff out as you did not reintroduce or remind us of who the characters were! Maybe for the last story you could remind us of some of the names you use and who they are, “as you remember…” Other than that I was super impressed with your writing style! Overall, I really enjoyed your stories and am excited to read your last one and have my fingers crossed for Pegasus! I’m hoping this has a happy ending!

  23. I was excited to be able to revisit your story this week. I have to say I enjoy your story a lot. I love the focus on Pegasus and how he just wants to find love. I like the changes you made on your intro and first story, which I read a month ago I believe. Your second and third story are really great as well, and I enjoyed the story of Kanthaka. I decided to focus any critiques on just the last story, since that is most likely the one you are working on at the moment. Your others are really great though.
    Your last story is so interesting. I love how Pegasus and Kanthaka grew closer in this. I would like to see something about them falling in love, or at least something about Pegasus learning about love, since that is the reason he left home. I love that Kanthaka got wings! It really helps her and Pegasus bond even more. Was Daisy just there to give Kanthaka wings? If so, if you find you run out of words, you could discard the part about Kanthaka explaining about Siddhartha, since she doesn’t help with that. Or have her at least give even a vague answer. Lastly, I would love to see you add more about the Doubtfires or about Siddhartha. One of those needs to be resolved, so you could either create a whole new story or add it to this one. Other than those suggestions, really great job!

  24. Hi Chelle, I’m glad to see you finished your storybook. I unfortunately have been unable to do a third story like I planned. Life has been busy with final projects and everything. I was actually glad to see that you included an alicorn. I also appreciate making the distinction between it and a unicorn, since many people often considered them to be the same creature. I will say, not much happened in the story. I expected some sense of adventure rather than a simple meeting. If you planned on working on this story again, I think it would be cool to have Kanthaka undergo some trial to prove her worthiness. It seems like you have more to write, so I would like to see another story to really round it off back at the Doubtfires’ place. Other than that, good job on your storybook this semester! Honestly, I was hesitant going in because I thought it would be just about plain horses, but you exceeded my expectations!

  25. Hi Chelle!
    Your storybook is set up with a very unique layout – just like everyone else that has commented, I also really enjoy the home page and the photo you have chose! What a great way to draw me in to read your story. I think my only suggestion would be really proofread. I caught some grammatical and spelling errors along the way in this story.
    I will say though you kept my attention very well along the way in this story.
    You have so much to be proud of and I am sorry I have not been commenting on your blog sooner – you have really awesome stuff! I find myself dealing with typo’s all the time and it is just something that we must deal with. Good luck after this class and I hope that you are as proud of your work as I would be if I were you!
    Erin

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